17 July 2009

thinking, just thinking

Being a dreamer, who dreams vividly of the life waiting to be lived just outside the gate. The life of breath, fragility and nobility. That life which is so rarely lived fully or grasped fully by our outstretched hands. It is that life ~ that rare life ~ that I recall in memories & re-broadcast into my future. It is amazing that even as I realize it's precious fragility I loose it again and again out of habit. I loose myself in crystal-like illusions that do not matter to my soul.

It astounds me daily the impact that those years lost in the dark hell have on my psyche. The dream of life have ventured so far from where I wanted to be - transversing instead into the nightmarish lands of regret. Those years are a vile abortion in my head. I lost inch by inch all measure of self, all reason, and most of all logical view of life and reasons for living. Having fought back from the heartlessness of that life. Degree by degree reclaiming myself from the madness which one drinks in the life lived in that sickness of otherness.

Still small macabre wounds must still exist deep in my soul. I repeat the process of tearing them open, of healing, and recovering myself from the void. There is nothing really at the end of the day but the self staring into the soul and the sound of breath. There is nothing left but faith. Faith that I will not suffer to watch myself decay at another's hands ever again. There is so much yet to be resolved. So many more steps to take and I wish I could run down the path, but that is not wise even in dreams. Healing from some one else's wounds seems more devastating than the madness we inflict on ourselves.

My attention has wavered from these thoughts, which I am brave enough to think of only fleetingly. I do not care for thinking of the deep water much any more today. Wading in a few steps, I feel the pull of my soul to move deeper & faster towards where I belong. It is the fear which keeps me from moving...and instead racing back to the shore. I know in my the depths of my mind there's a war raging which I am conscious of ... the nightmares will die off ... the new life will take over...but for the moment I wish only to lay my head down and dream - pure dreams of a life with out illusions.

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