27 June 2009

Thinking Aloud

" Our problems cannot be solved using the same thinking that created them." ~ Albert Einstein.

That's a very true statement, and one I need to pay attention to as I proceed in rebuilding myself. Having gotten out of a relationship that I now can see was abusive...I can also see that I was the one who got myself into that situation and kept myself there. My bad. And one I don't intend to repeat.

The great thing about the situation I am in is that I am standing with a clean slate. I took a pragmatic approach to this...beginning by sorting out the new living space first. Every blasted thing from those nightmare years is gone. From the warm old fashioned smoking chair I sit in to write- to the Wustof knives in the kitchen...all of this is new...it's mine, w/o any nightmarish memories attached. I reclaimed things I had to get rid of in the controlled confines of the prison I lived in. For instance my collection of books grows every week. Every week I recall yet another book I had to get rid of for whatever reason, and I rush out and pick up a new copy of it.

Each book I have picked up has reminded me of a prior time in my life when I was not a weakling. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand whispers to me from the shelf. I recall reading it when I worked in the city. I recall how strong I was both in mind and body before I betrayed myself. Kafka smiles at me from another shelf. I recall a long bus ride that ended with an wonderful Italian pasta and laughter. Ghormengast sits waiting for me, as I have never finished it. A book mark sticking out...recalling a winter day when I bought it because some one I respect suggested it.

It's amazing - the power of books & music to transport you to another place. A better place often than the one you are in. Alternately, they bring you back knowing what it is that you need to change to make this space worthy of life. That's the current mission: to recall my passions.

I've rediscovered a few already: 1) Cooking great food. French, pastries, Italian, Fresh pastas, classics. Sadly that lesson did nothing for my health...but it made me realize no 2) Excersice/Health.
I love working out. It's hard just now to get back into the habit, but I'm getting there. They say 30 days of doing something will create a habit. I just have to stick with it and my body will change back -- let me resay that - it will become better than it ever was.

I found another discarded passion today via a random conversation in which I ended up passionately though calmly defending Buddhism. 3) Meditation & Buddhism - something I've long neglected that was once part of who I was. I think I felt it was a contradiction in the space I was in - to try to be zen. You can't live walking around with the person I was with and try to be morally & spirtually in a good place. It won't work if you are a logical person. So now that it's over, I can let myself out of the cage to breathe ... to just sit and breathe again is such a gift.

4) Being able to keep an honest blog. No editing out the truth. No rewording things afraid of what will happen. No locked posts. Just thoughts. Just me. This is my truth. This life will have no lies. No pulled punches. This life will be raw emotion.

So that's an amazing start to a good life if you look at it. I mean it's just a start I know that...but those things are a good foundation for a good life. 1. Great Food cooked with LOVE & skill 2. Health & Well being 3. Breath & Stillness. Awareness 4. Writing

It's a start...and maybe if I keep searching with in some day I will find the courage to include a man in that list. I'm not ready for that by a long stretch but maybe someday...

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