Tending to life

work, work & more work

rain, rain & more rain

warm, sleepy & bored...

Its the sort of day I want to make a pot of colcannon & bratwurst smothered with currywurst- sit and veg with a football game, movie or play tomb raider. Curl up with Gormenghast and take a nap before BB. Not doing that though. Writing only because it is procrastination towards the work out. Procrastination is a pony trap. It is the voice of self hate saying that the life I'm working towards isn't for me. Screw procrastination. I'm going to work out. I think too I might be dehydrated or missing some vitamins or something like that. In this heat and with working out it's hard to judge.

Hit 129lbs - finally moving forward again - really shouldn't stop now. Off to do at least 2 miles...2miles is the new lazy? lol. That's progress.

Blue Skies

Tonight the skies were alive - the sort of heavy summer night where the sky is the wrong kind of blue weight pressing down on the earth - moving thick humidity an impalable substance pressing against you.

Then the drums began in the distance, broken by the rapid shock of lightening as the storms moved in. The rain was violently beautiful. Sweet and cooling. So, naturally I went out for a long walk with my red umbrella. What else is there to do in a summer storm? It's cool now, the air & earth are sweet, soaked in green hunger and fresh life.

Walking is a good time for me to think. Separate from life, I can see things more clearly. I've been thinking about the law of attraction. How what you think about is drawn to you. So, I've been examining my thoughts. Deeply & with a skeptical eye. This project of changing my life is deeper for me than simply changing my body or my health. It's all encompassing for me. I mean to change my mind as well. I use to be so positive internally & focused. I mean precisely to get back to that because I can see the correlation between when I shifted & when I diverted from what I am attracted to by nature towards what I attracted to me by negitivity. All of it comes down to having bought into a belief that I wasn't worthy and didn't deserve the life I wanted...

Another day, Another Ironic Twist

Can't stand irony. Hate it.

I have a serious inability to comprehend what Fate gets from slamming me in the head with cast iron pans. I don't want to sound like a whining woman, (though yes I am) because I want to be the kind of woman who laughs it off & is truly and deeply happy for my x's when things go well for them. Some times I am.

Tonight - not so much.

Earlier today I was doing my little exercise routine, bopping along the street to my little mp3 player and switched it over to the radio. Carlos Santana SMOOTH was on. Music makes me happy. I was happy. Then I changed the Channel ... a new song. Fun. The song sounds familiar. Odd. The song has my name in it. Dummie that I am. I'm laughing. Isn't this cute? Isn't this funny? Wouldn't it be cute if I dated some one and this was our song? Oh the memories that brings back...Dating use to be fun didn't it? Maybe I'll try it again...soonish.

I get home and look up the band, to show my son. And I see that yes I know the guy who wrote it & sold it to the band. Oh I know him coming & going. I vaguely remember a version on this song that made me go weak in the knees when he sang it to me years ago. So many years ago. So now he's on my mind. I'm fondly remembering him & all the sweet things he use to say. I'm thinking the universe is sending me a message in bold neon. So naturally, I catch up with him immediately...He looks fantastic. I mean really great. And...(the cast iron pan right upside the head)

He just got engaged.

Isn't that ironic. Isn't that lovely. I'm glad he's doing well. I really am. Glad to hell & back he's happy. He deserves it. And frankly, he wasn't the one, he was too much & he had these weird weird foibles. But now, every time I turn on the radio I bet you ten to one there it will be...

I seriously hate irony.

Killing Voicemail Forever...

My job is a godsend that allows me to telecommute. Being the master of one's time is fundamental to my happiness. I had no idea how much so until this summer when I began simplifying my life. Now I can't imagine having to go into the corp office more than once a month - and even that seems a nuisance most times.

I'm further simplifying my time constraints by eliminating voicemail from my life - I see no reason why my clients can't use email instead of the phone. It occurred to me today how much I hate and loathe being at the beck and call of a ringing line. How many times a week do I walk away from my desk only to be called back immediately by the phone ringing? Too many. And I am not going to be a Pavlovian bitch to a bell any longer. From now on I'm leaving a message on my voicemail that instructs recipients to send me an email... Deal with it.

I also started doing random work outs during the day. Bored with the blue screen of my work site? I get up and do a few sets with weights or calf raises or crunches.

And today...viola...the first day my stomach was officially flat again. Okay, it's not a six pack, a four pack or even a two pack...but it is flat. flat. flat. And after two children I have to say I'll take that. It's just the start...but I'm so flipping glad it's working. And the Marine next door did the 'look behind & watched me walk away' when I passed him on the street earlier. (Yes I was giggling semi-silently) As he's only ten to fifteen years younger than I am, that felt better than any thing I've recalled in a very very long time. There's nothing like a Marine to lift my spirits, never has been, never will be... Men just don't know the power they have to make a woman smile with just the smallest action. Well, who knows maybe they do...

thinking, just thinking

Being a dreamer, who dreams vividly of the life waiting to be lived just outside the gate. The life of breath, fragility and nobility. That life which is so rarely lived fully or grasped fully by our outstretched hands. It is that life ~ that rare life ~ that I recall in memories & re-broadcast into my future. It is amazing that even as I realize it's precious fragility I loose it again and again out of habit. I loose myself in crystal-like illusions that do not matter to my soul.

It astounds me daily the impact that those years lost in the dark hell have on my psyche. The dream of life have ventured so far from where I wanted to be - transversing instead into the nightmarish lands of regret. Those years are a vile abortion in my head. I lost inch by inch all measure of self, all reason, and most of all logical view of life and reasons for living. Having fought back from the heartlessness of that life. Degree by degree reclaiming myself from the madness which one drinks in the life lived in that sickness of otherness.

Still small macabre wounds must still exist deep in my soul. I repeat the process of tearing them open, of healing, and recovering myself from the void. There is nothing really at the end of the day but the self staring into the soul and the sound of breath. There is nothing left but faith. Faith that I will not suffer to watch myself decay at another's hands ever again. There is so much yet to be resolved. So many more steps to take and I wish I could run down the path, but that is not wise even in dreams. Healing from some one else's wounds seems more devastating than the madness we inflict on ourselves.

My attention has wavered from these thoughts, which I am brave enough to think of only fleetingly. I do not care for thinking of the deep water much any more today. Wading in a few steps, I feel the pull of my soul to move deeper & faster towards where I belong. It is the fear which keeps me from moving...and instead racing back to the shore. I know in my the depths of my mind there's a war raging which I am conscious of ... the nightmares will die off ... the new life will take over...but for the moment I wish only to lay my head down and dream - pure dreams of a life with out illusions.

Neurosis & wisdom

Tibetans have a saying that the only difference between neurosis & wisdom is struggle. If we stop struggling with our neurosis it will transform into wisdom.

It wasn't until I stopped struggling that the light came back on in my soul. There's not alot of struggling here ~ though some times like tonight I find old toxic residue creeping up. I guess that's what happens when you live with lies for so many years.

For a fleeting moment tonight after my evening walk I hit a rough patch & really struggled & had to question what it was that I was fighting with inside my self.

There was a simple sentence I'd heard it for years but I hadn't ever addressed that in my heart of hearts and so it remained unchallanged until tonight. Funny how something can slip past you - until you look at it and toss it into the garbage.

I know one thing my life today is better. It is good and in every breath it is becoming better. I can & will still love the way I was raised to love. Semper fidelis. Noblesse Oblige. Honor est praemium virtutis. Motos for a life lived well and ones I will never stray from.

As always there's a path ahead lit by a bobbing light in the distance. It comes and goes when I least expect it but it is there when needed. Do not struggle. Accept life as it is. It is stupid to be afraid of that which you cannot avoid. And perhaps, if I continue on I will find the only thing I've ever wanted in the first place...

End of the longest week ever!

It was the longest week ever. Some how the week after the 4th of July & my birthday always feels forever long. Plus, there was a silly (READ: UTTERLY POINTLESS) meeting at the corp office this week which resulted in more money coming out of the paycheck for insurance. Every day at work this week was just like being kicked in the shins by a two year old wearing steel toed boots. But it is over now & I'm free to do whatever I want for two days.

Which is excersicing constantly - because if you believe 'the evil scale' which is probably broken I have gained another pound back. Excersicing, watching Big Brother & reading CIA books for research on the new novel. And not eating. And not smoking.

I'm enjoying watching the live feeds very much. Kind of like living with my big family & crazy brothers again in an odd way. I miss the sounds of a house full of people around me. I miss cooking for a bunch of guys who just dropped by. It's just not the same with out it. As much as I've been enjoying my solitude lately I'm begining to realize I really am a people person and need the energy provided by hanging out with people in person. It's interesting when you think one thing about yourself and find out something very different. I think that last relationship just soured me on the human race for a bit there ~ but now that the tide's going out there's a faith in human beings resurfacing. Maybe they aren't all liar/con artists who want to hurt other people? Well...here's to hoping any way.

A little depressed after the weeks end. Both the boys are out and I'm just realizing how much of my life I am seriously in need of retooling. It gets to be a monumentous task when you see the mountain ahead for the sheer size of climbing it. Sighs. Have to keep remembering it's one task at a time. One change at a time. Rembering who I was one part at a time and hitting reset.

I don't know...seems I just want to lay down and have a nice comfy nap in my wonderful squishy bed and a nice dream about Mr. Right. I'm sure he's out there somewhere...must be wondering around in a desert with out a compass or something. lol. None the less I'm going to resolve to have faith that he's out there...

Thinking aloud

Overheard on the bus yesterday: Little girl says to littler sister. "Hit my reset button."

Little sister: "What's a reset button?"

Little girl: "It resets your life. If you hit it then after you'll be a better person. It's right here." she points to her forehead & her younger sister slaps her right in the forehead - hard.

"Ahh, thank you." she says in sweet voice.

It's a cute idea ~ that set me to thinking about how grown ups need reset buttons on their lives. When we were children it's just that simple. You can be any one you dream up. Then some how as we grow up we get tucked into our labels, jobs and places in life. Truth is we still can be any one we want to be, grow in any way that we wish. It's silly of us to think that only kids have the option to dream outside the box.

It's amazing what inspiration the universe provides when you are willing to be aware of the people around you. And now...off to read ~ research for the novel, and try to stay awake to see Ferguson tonight!

Sickening

The headlines of Jackson's death & memorial service make me sick. All these celebrities trotting out with a kitschy song & dance in one PR flash after the other. Is there any stations that hasn't done an "in loving memory" spiel?

Where is the mega memorial service for the men & women who fought and died for our country? Where is the stadium jammed with people pouring money, love & faith towards the military community while stars sing out in their honor and memory? Where is the CBS/NBC/ABC/CNN 24/7 coverage of the memories of the family, children, & friends of the recently fallen USMC service people on a stage for all the world to see - and some way we might reach out to help them in their time of need? I'd much prefer to hear from the wife of a service person than some 1970's lounge singer serenading the corpse of a pedophile!

What does it mean that as a culture we are choosing to idolize & glamourize a man who created some music but will be remembered for several children accusing him of molestation. Who deserves this level of attention? A sick & twisted singer or the fallen heroes?

In seeing the contrast I am reminded of Chesty Puller when he was surrounded by enemy forces. He said that the enemy was right where he wanted them to be, and that it simplified the problem. Perhaps, it does simplify the problem ~ for me any way. For I see clearly that I am surrounded by a level of trivial idiots with not a working brain among them!

This is not my America. My America would forgo the celebration of a vacant life and instead raise it's voice to heroes living & fallen who carry our flag & freedom in a foreign pit of hell that we have sent them to. I will choose to be part of my America instead. And instead of tuning in to the memorial I will instead donate my time & money to a USMC charity instead.

Hope you'll join me. There are so many great people in so many great outreach orgs out there working to give back to our soldiers overseas & their families.

Day off - was brilliant! Cleaned most of the apartment. Avoided doing lunch with my mother. Chatted with Bill for a good hour. Did research for the next novel. Worked out for ever & ever while catching up on tv shows I'd forgotten all about...like BURN NOTICE. Now that's a great show to work out to. Not as good as KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL but well, nothing really is. I digress...working out...seemingly in one day lost another pound and then gained it back. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? I ATE NEXT TO NOTHING TODAY!

I think the scale may be possessed by a comical demonic force that just likes to see me do a double take and then crack my head off the wall when I lean over to clarify the numbers. I'm sure it would be very funny on video though I'm not quite dumb enough to take one of those.

I am sore now...which is such a great feeling. You know you really did something if you are sore from it. God, working out with out being sore is like waking up the morning after sex and having to wonder if you did have sex the night before. No thank you. I'd like to know when something wonderful has been done to my body. Otherwise, why waste my time?

Note to self: buy a good scale before the comedy gods have another good laugh.